Finding the Light and Strength to Climb the Mountain

Body 90%, Mental Clarity 85%, Mood 80%

It’s not that I’m in a “bad” mood. Well actually I kind of fake oakleys am. I was going to say I was just sad but I am liable to snap at any minute if any of the dogs make a noise. One of the girls tempted to start whining and I almost lost it. I feel really sad that my weekend is over and tomorrow is Monday and that means I have to face the music. I don’t want to face the music. I just want to Gallery hide. I’m not ready for the world yet. I cant really get rested and so my way of dealing with it is to hide my head in the sand. I know my life will never get any better if I just lay in the bed but I guess I think it just magically will. Life shrinks or expands depending on how much you give it and well, frankly, I’m not giving too much in my life right now. I’m just trying to get by until I feel better. I haven’t dosed in I think 4 nights now and I guess I should dose tonight but once again I’m back on my track of feeling like a failure for having to dose to enjoy myself and my life. I just feel stuck and tied down to the dogs and the house. We are too poor to be able to enjoy a getaway and that literally kills me. I didn’t ever think I would have to be in this position again where I was too time and money poor to take a vacation. And yes, we are going to Disneyland for one last time before our season passes run out but its a quick trip and it will have constraints on it. Its not free where we could go there at leisure. And we really cant even afford to do that trip but we are squeezing it in. Like I just want us to get to a place in our lives where we don’t have to stress about money and we can actually take a vacation and relax. As in it not be a stress to board the dogs and go somewhere. And it really makes me sad that we can’t do that.

And Cheap NFL Jerseys so yes, I am wallowing in my depression. I guess I should dose tonight and make my mind pretend it’s happy. Maybe my energy will come back and I will feel like doing something to help us make more money so we could have more freedom. It just feels like all of our money comes in one door and right out the next so we cant ever even enjoy what we do make so what’s the point. What’s the point of working when you cant really even enjoy life.

I’m sure even if we had a lot Cheap Jerseys of money it would just be something else to complain about or something else that wasnt good enough. That’s the way it always is right. Except when youre down all you can see is the cloud in front of you. There is no sun behind the cloud and it will just be darkness forever. The mountain to climb behind the dark clouds just seems so high and like we will just never get there so I just want to hide from it and give up. I know I will eventually get up and start climbing it again but I just don’t want to. I just want to quit. It’s too much, it’s never ending and I’m tired. I’m 34 quickly approaching 35 and I’m more tired than I have ever been in my life. I’m too young to feel this tired. I honestly wonder if this house has mold or something growing in it because I dont think the way I feel is normal at all. I do way better here when it’s warm so that means sunshine and no water so who knows- it is possible that there could be mold here that makes us tired. Hell I’m allergic to everything else so if there is anything here I’m sure I’m allergic to it. But, it did Wholesale Jerseys hit me the other day when I opened the dishwasher to peak in there and there was mold growing in it and it made me sneeze as soon as I opened it. I would actually LOVE it if that were the case because that could always be remidied. I’m just tired of feeling tired and sad. I knew back in January I should have begged to be able to go somewhere for some sunshine. I can’t be in cold and rain for this long. I just can’t. It’s really miserable to me. And throw on the other negative factors weve had for the past year and it’s just tough. I’m just really hoping that when I come out of this funk and out of this period I will have a flood of energy and be able to get a ton done and look at the mountain again and know I can climb it. Usually after my period I have a wonderful 1 to 2 weeks and I need those wonderful weeks really bad right now. I have only left the house and gone farther than 30 minutes away 1 time in almost 4 months now, its been cold, rainy, muddy, dirty and I’ve had to juggle these damn dogs and I’m just not doing good. Havent seen my mom or any friends in I dont even remember- I guess September. That’s almost 7 months ago. That’s just too long for me to be isolated. I need sunshine or friends or better periods of rest or things to spark my imagination and shake me out of my depression more often than what I am getting now. Stimulated- that’s the world I was looking for.

That was 21 minutes of straight writing with no stopping and it feels miserable to even have to write for 9 more minutes. I just want to go to sleep, sleep for 3 days and wake up and this all be over and be back to my normal self and be able to have energy and motivation. I was really motivated the day we decided to get the booth and then Dori got sick and everything has been downhill since then. She was sick for quite a long time and it really made my spirits low. It’s really hard for me to see her like that.

7 more minutes. How was that only 2 minutes. When I want the clock to slow down it always speeds up and when I want the clock to speed up it always slows down. That’s life.

I think I’m really bothered by the fact that this year is a big birthday year for me and I’m not sure I feel very proud of who I am this year. I think I thought about that today and it knocked me down. Not to mention crazy lady in the cottage that exhausted me for an entire 2 hours. It wasn’t even fun. I was like why am I wasting my time talking to this lady and trying to be nice just so she wont give me a bad review. I was mad that I had to be nice to her or else I might get a bad review. I just wanted to walk away and come back to sleep but I couldnt do that and it was really hard to swallow that.

4 more minutes. I could just sit here and stare into space- no one would know the difference. But just like today with the crazy lady I couldn’t “just” tell her to use the aluminum foil. I had to get up from my bed and go and check to make sure I really didn’t have a cookie sheet that would fit that oven over there. Once I realized I didn’t I felt better being able to tell her I didn’t have one. What would it have meant about me had I just not gotten up and told her I didn’t have one without checking? Would it have meant I was a failure? A lazy, heartless liar? Probably all of those. At least I wasn’t too depressed to be “ok” with being any of those. I guess there is a positive in that. Lol and I found my opportunity in it all and that was to see that I need Cheap Football Jerseys more work on myself. Little grasshopper is not as advanced as I need to be. I need more training and better practice and discipline. Makes me tired just thinking about it. I wish I could take a step away from all of this and really look at who and where I was in my life 5 years ago right before I turned 30 and be able to compare it side by side to where I am now. Am I a better person? I think so. I would like to hope so. I think I do have more patience for others and I might have even developed a little empathy which I know for a fact was pretty much non existent 5 years ago. So, maybe I’m not so bad off. Maybe this is all part of my journey. Of course it is, you know everything happens for a reason Meredith. Might you learn to appreciate what you have, stay humble and strive to be more patient, find more empathy and give of yourself even more. Because laying in the bed and pretending you looked is not who you are. You are the one to go the extra mile. It’s engrained in your soul. Now dig deep, take a deep breath and find a way to see the sunshine. Your life and your happiness depends on finding your own light.

Cheers,

Meredith

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